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On Beauty – How To Be More Beautiful

Beauty Is Created

Ultimately beauty is nothing but a consideration.  It is what each of us considers that it is.

As a consequence beauty has no objective reality. It does have, however, an agreed upon reality. The considerations that the largest percentage of people share in any culture would set the “norms” for beauty in that culture.

What one culture might consider beautiful, however, another may not.

But let’s get back to shared considerations. Even within a culture there are those who do not share the cultural view of beauty. Some of these might comprise a large “subculture.”

For example, in our culture, sixty percent of us might consider “thin” to be beautiful. Yet perhaps twenty percent might consider a slightly overweight woman – perhaps called “full” or “voluptuous” to be the ultimate “beauty”. This would be a large subculture. People in general would not be that surprised if someone had this viewpoint.

Perhaps one tenth of one percent of the population might consider a three hundred pound obese woman to be “beautiful”. This would not be a large subculture and most of us would be a little surprised if someone told us they consider this to be the ultimate beauty. But none-the-less, this person would be considered beautiful to this small subculture.

To the individual “beauty” is just “beauty”.

Now knowing that beauty is just a consideration means there is something that we can do about it. Dating gurus, such as myself, often preach that attraction is created. Well, attraction like beauty is a consideration. And just like attraction, beauty can be created.

But in order to create beauty, we have to understand what goes into this consideration.

First of all you must realize what the cultural norms for your culture are. You probably already know that. But do you know what the sub-cultural norms are?

So you are not the thin model type that everyone (or at least sixty percent of the people) seems to adore. Well what does the twenty percent subgroup adore? And what about the ten percent subgroup? And the five percent? And the three percent? And the one percent, etc.? What do they adore?

You had better find out. Why? Because the first thing you had better learn about beauty, (if you want to make yourself more beautiful), is all the subculture norms. Because no matter what you look like, you may find there is some subculture that just thinks you are absolutely gorgeous.

So realize that you may not have to fight the main culture and that you just might fit into the perfect definition of beauty in some subculture. Even if you only fit into the definition of beauty in a subculture that comprises one tenth of one percent of the population, in a metropolitan area like Los Angeles, that’s still about 17,000 people who would think you are beautiful. That is a small town!

So one of the first things you can do about being beautiful is to do a little research and find out what the mainstream and various subcultures actually consider beautiful. Then if your goal in life is to be told you are beautiful by an adoring mate, the job becomes to market yourself to the right group of people. Maybe it is not the “norm” or mainstream group. But what do you care? Just realize that no matter your type, someone, somewhere will think you are beautiful. Your problem is just to find them!

Now sometimes what you might consider to be the norm, isn’t.

When I was a kid I grew up with a family of slightly overweight people. I grew up thinking I was unattractive because I was thin. I had this consideration because I was constantly told by my family for eighteen years that I was too skinny.

Now by the time I was twenty-two, I was five foot ten and weighed one hundred fifty pounds of solid muscle. (I had been a gymnast since I was 14). My wife (my first girlfriend), who realized I had a button on being skinny, was a little jealous at times and didn’t want me to think other women might be attracted to me so always made a point of calling me skinny throughout our marriage.

So I still felt unattractive.

A few years later, I was twenty-five and getting divorced, and as I started dating an abundance of women, lo and behold, I discovered for the first time in my life that although every woman I met did not think I was attractive, most women did not think me “too skinny” and in fact there were quite a few women who thought I was the hottest thing they had ever seen.

Quite a revelation!

Another thing that women need to know about creating beauty is that men and women within our culture don’t have the same considerations about beauty.

I talk to my women friends and my daughters about this topic and one of the things I notice is that women judge and assign beauty based on how a woman dresses, how she does her hair, how she puts her make up on.

Men don’t take these things into consideration. Men look at a woman’s physical features. We can see right through make up, and “style” and hair and all the rest.  A woman is beautiful or pretty, etc. if she has features that we like. I have always told my girlfriends that I like it when a woman wakes up in the morning and looks her absolute worse and she is still pretty.

I remember telling people when Britney Spears was about 18 years old that she really wasn’t that pretty. I could see through all the glamour and make up and all, and truth be told she had a rather plain looking face that wasn’t all that pretty (per cultural norms). Not many women agreed with me at the time, but years later when Britney had gained weight and wasn’t taking care of herself properly, it was obvious to even women that she wasn’t really that naturally pretty of a girl.

Now men would agree that make up, and clothes, and perfumes, etc. can make a woman much more “attractive” and of course we like those things, we are just not fooled by them.


What makes me an expert on Beauty? Well, I don’t even know that I am. All I know is that in our culture here in the US, I have a very keen sense of what our culture considers beautiful. All my male friends have always agreed with my idea of beauty. I don’t believe I have had even one male friend in my entire life disagree with me when I told him so and so is beautiful or hot. I can’t say the same for the reverse. I disagree with my friend’s assignment of beauty all the time. I have been rather known by my male friends as having “higher standards” than most men when it comes to “beauty”.

I even took a test once for one of the dating services that I joined. The test was to see what “type” of women I liked. I was shown probably a thousand photos of women to compare and rate. In the end, it turned out I liked what the majority of our culture liked, the beautiful model type that we see in all the magazines and movies. Not only did I like them but I was so adept at picking out this type that I was told I was a natural “talent scout” or “beauty scout”.

Now I am telling you my credentials, not to brag, but to let you know that personally I am very, very, mainstream when it comes to physical beauty. I am very adept at picking out the cultural norm for our culture. I am telling you this so you know that I am not some off-center guy when I tell you that you can make yourself more beautiful.

And remember, when I say make yourself more beautiful I am not meaning more attractive.  I mean you can change someone’s consideration of beauty – starting with your own. Now you don’t necessarily have to change what you think is beautiful to change your own consideration, but you do have to change your consideration that beauty is “set” and unchangeable.

Beauty is not “set” and unchangeable. First and foremost beauty is different to every single person, and first and foremost you must allow yourself to be beautiful to other people no matter what you think of yourself. Get your percentage. Whether you are the type of beauty that appeals to sixty percent of the people or the type that appeals to one hundredth of a per cent of the people, realize that you are beautiful to someone, and that is the absolute truth.

The first rule of making yourself more beautiful: Accept yourself as you are. Make yourself more attractive by personal grooming, posture, attitude, personality, etc. and if being beautiful is important to you find the people who consider and appreciate your type of beauty (rather than finding a plastic surgeon).

More On Beauty

When it comes to people there are different kinds of beauty.

Let’s make four distinct categories to begin:

1)      Classic or common beauty

2)      Unique Beauty

3)      Type Beauty

4)      Personal Beauty

Classic or common beauty is beauty which adheres to the cultural norms of beauty to a tee. Ever hear the expression “She was too beautiful, too pretty”?

Now the thing about classic or common beauty is that it is striking – it gets your attention right away. It is very noticeable, and it very noticeably adheres to the norms. The problem with classic or common beauty (if there is such a thing as a problem with this) is when a person approaches this kind of beauty, after a while, you start noticing the imperfections from the ideal beauty state almost as much as the beauty itself.

Ever know people who are real, real beautiful? They get your attention but after a while you start noticing that their nose is slightly crooked, their eyebrows are a little thin, their lips are too full. You start noticing these things every time you look at them. You start seeing the imperfections as much as you see the perfections.

Unique beauty on the other hand is not necessarily as striking at first glance. These people may seem beautiful or even seem average or plain at first. Their beauty will adhere more or less to the cultural norm but not as much as the classic beauty. The interesting thing about unique beauty is the more you look at it, the more beautiful it seems. It starts to grow on you. There is no real standard that you compare this person to as you do the classic beauty, so you don’t notice little imperfections as much. On the contrary, the little imperfections are seen as character and add to the beauty, rather than detract from it.

Type beauty is sort of what I have been talking about all along. It is that subculture that likes your type of beauty. Type beauty can be Classic or Unique just as the main cultural beauty can. There is also beauty within a type. So maybe most guys don’t like women with big butts like Kim Kardashian, but for the guys that do, she might be the classic beauty of that type. It is another dimension to explore.

You might think that you are not that beautiful because you have big thighs, or because you are skinny, or because you have thick eyebrows, but in actuality you might just be a goddess to the people who like your type. See what I mean? There are people who may be attractive or beautiful to people who like a certain type, and then there are people who might be goddesses or “10s” to people who like that type.

So don’t sell yourself short. You might be ranked a “3” to the cultural norm and yet a “10” to your subculture that likes your type.

Personal beauty gets away from physical, societal or cultural norms and focuses more on beauty created by personality and attitudes (of course we have cultural norms for these attributes too). Remember that beauty is a consideration. Not all people consider beauty to be a physical attribute. Women, for example, will more often than men see beauty in the opposite sex based on inner qualities, personality, etc. Personal beauty can come from such things as confidence, posture, the way one carries one self, the way one talks or moves or walks. It can come from attitude, beliefs, personality, the way one treats others. There is even a personal beauty that comes from an “inner” sexiness – not the outward trappings that make one appear sexy – but a real inner sexiness that comes from one’s confidence about and attitude toward sex.

Personal beauty is the rock on which all beauty sets. It is also the easiest beauty to change or create. In a relationship, personal beauty adds depth to both Classic or Unique beauty. Any type of physical beauty without a personal beauty to back it up will becoming boring, shallow, and unattractive after a while.

Personal beauty is more commonly mixed up with “attraction” variables. The things that create attraction in others often create a personal beauty too. Since beauty is just a consideration anyway, personal beauty can literally change how a person “sees you”. I have had it happen to me a couple of times in my life. I have met women who were just average looking until I got to know them. Suddenly they became physically beautiful to me. This has even happened to be after a short two or three hour conversation.

So in the end, how do you become beautiful? You become beautiful by being the best “you” you can be, inwardly and outwardly. You become beautiful by seeing your own beauty, accepting yourself and not trying to be something you are not. You become beautiful by realizing no one is beautiful to everyone. We all have our percentages. Some of us have a higher percentage than others, but we are all beautiful to someone. You become beautiful when you realize that and find that someone.

I joined a dating site once that showed you the percentage of interest each person on the website got. In other words, how often someone clicked on your picture when seeing it in a search. The most physically beautiful women on the website (by cultural standards) only got a 15% click though rate – I am not kidding – that was the highest percentage on the site. The average woman got somewhere between 5 and 10% click through. Even the ugliest women got 1-2% click through.

What does all this mean? It means what I have been saying all along. Beauty is a consideration. It is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone is beautiful to someone. See the beauty in yourself. Allow others to see it too. Find the people – no matter if they are far and few between – who see what you see too, and your beauty will be validated on a daily basis.

Mr. L. Rx

On Beauty – How To Be More Beautiful (c) 2010 Dating To Relating, Inc.

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