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Relationships – “Your Love Interest as Your Teammate”

Relationships

There are two distinct conditions we have to look at when discussing male/female relationships. The first is a condition of “opposition” or “opponents”, where the love interest is an opponent. No matter where it is at, there is no agreement on the relationship and where it is going, and one person wants to take it to a different level or place than the other, who is usually just fine the way things are.Relationships

This automatically applies to most new relationships, and old relationships that are damaged or in trouble.

Now, why do I call it a condition of opposition or “opponents”. Well, because someone is usually trying to get someone, or opposed to someone. You are trying to get the guy for a boyfriend, or he is  trying to get you in bed for sex, and there is some opposition. There is not complete agreement even if it is just about timing or “when.” Or you are trying to get him to marry you and he doesn’t want to yet. He is happy being your boyfriend.

The second condition is when the love interests are “teammates.” They are in agreement on their relationship and where they want it to go, etc. There is no opposition here.

This applies to most good relationships where people are co-operating and in agreement on the form of their relationship be it “friends with privileges,” “girlfriend/boyfriend” or “husband/wife.”

Now the truth of it is, most relationships are a combination of these conditions, perhaps mostly one or the other, but it is typical that we are in opposition about some things and in complete agreement and teammates about others.

In this essay I am going to discuss the second condition of “teammates” and the type of create one has to use in that condition in order to continue to create the relationship.

When you have a partner who is an active teammate, working for the same goal in the relationship that you are, you are in the best condition you could be in. If you don’t mess it up or screw it up, your relationship should grow in the direction you want it to grow and be a healthy relationship for years and years, even a lifetime if that is desired.

Screwing up a healthy relationship, if you are lucky enough to have one, is actually hard to do, but believe me there are some guys and girls who do it.

Relationships

What are the major mistakes the men and women  make to screw up a healthy relationship?

Well here are five of the most common basic mistakes.

1) Cheating.

2) Not continuing to treat your love interest as the opponent and win him/her over. (Otherwise known as romance.)

3) Not continually creating a common opponent to fight as teammates.

4) Not continuing to monitor the goals and purposes of the team and make sure that they are still in unison.

5) Not making sure your love interest continues to do all of the above too.

1) Cheating – In most cases, as soon as you cheat, you become the enemy. You are no longer working as teammates for the same thing. You have a hidden agenda and you are not working for the best interest of the team.

(I say in most cases, because there are societies and couples who agree that cheating,or extra-marital sex, is okay in certain situations, and under prescribed conditions.)

Now my opinion on cheating is simple and it is based on practicality not morality issues. You shouldn’t get married or in a serious relationship until you have the ability to commit to a monogamous relationship.

There are plenty of men and women who are NOT ready to commit to a serious relationship. So if you are not ready it would be better to find someone else who is not ready and work out a relationship that involves non-monogamous sex together.

The point of all this is, if you are not ready for marriage or a committed relationship, don’t get involved with someone who is, and don’t pretend like you are – not even to (and especially not even to) yourself. You’ll turn your teammate into an enemy overnight. Get my eReport on “How I Dated 700 Women in One Year” (it was written for men but the principles apply to women just as well) and work whatever it is remaining in your system that keeps you from being monogamous out.

With out being moralistic, breaking an agreement to be monogamous with your guy and cheating on him doesn’t get you anywhere. If sex with multiple men is what you want, you can have more sex with more men without cheating on anyone by telling the truth. Cheating in a committed relationship is a false sense of accomplishment. It means you are unhappy and insecure and a whole bunch of other negative things. So, if you feel like cheating, there is something wrong.

And as soon as you get that feeling, you need to sit down with your mate, and talk things out. And if you can’t resolve things so that you are back on the same team again then you are in the wrong relationship for you and you probably need to get out of that situation and date extensively until you work whatever sexual issues you have out of your system – so you can actually have a serious, monogamous relationship.

2) Now another way both men and women wreck a good teammate relationship and contribute to the teammate cheating on them is to stop romancing your mate.

Remember this guy was at one time an opponent, someone you had to win over to your way of thinking, before he agreed to become your boyfriend or husband, etc. That’s what all the cooking, cleaning, sex and action flicks and “listening to his bragging” and putting up with his crude innuendo, grouping, and other crude habits and his crude friends was all about – you were trying to win the game and “score” the guy.

So, you did. And now you think that game (you didn’t really like it, did you?) is over and you don’t have to do that anymore. Now that he is the boyfriend or husband, you don’t have to play that “being nice and tolerant” game anymore. Well, guess what girls! You are wrong.

All those things you did to impress him and get him, worked. These were the things that created “attraction” towards you. Now that you have secured this agreement for him to be your boyfriend or husband and enter into this new game of “teammates” it doesn’t mean that the old game is over.

You see building or creating a relationship is sort of like building a house. You lay the foundation for a house then you build the first floor. When the first floor is complete you don’t go and tear down the foundation. If you do, the first, second, third, etc. floors will all come tumbling down with it.

Same thing with a relationship. Whatever you did to get the guy, whatever you did to attract him in the beginning is your foundation. You can’t go tearing it down the minute you get the first floor built and move in.

It simply won’t work.

That means figuring out new things to do the things that attracted him in the first place. And it means dropping the attitude that you will rope him in and change him later. You might just do that. You might just rope him in and slowly change him into the kind of guy you want him to be. But you will also doom your relationship. Because you are not the girl he thought he was marrying. This is not the kind of relationship he thought he was getting into. SO sooner or later it will back fire on you. He won’t like it and he will leave or cheat on you to get what he really wanted elsewhere.

So the rule is don’t do things to get the guy that you are not willing to do forever. If you don’t like cleaning then don’t offer to do all the cleaning to begin with. If you don’t like football, don’t offer to go to football games with him. If you don’t like his buddies, then don’t invite them over. Be truthful and lay the foundation you can live with forever. There are plenty of guys out there. Find one you don’t have to lie to and don’t do things you really can’t stand doing in order to “get him”.

But if you do like action flicks, and you do like football, and you do like lots of sex, and these are the things that won him over to begin with then figure out how to keep these things going forever, and you will keep him forever. Remember the things you did to attract him are the same things that will continue to attract him.  So find new and better ways to do these things to keep your romance and attraction going forever.

3) Now once you move from the “opponent” stage of a relationship where you are trying to WIN the guy over, you enter a stage where you are teammates mostly. (But remember, still keep those opponent things going to win the guy into continually being attracted to you)

In the “teammate ” stage, you are in agreement. You are a couple and you are approaching the world together as a team. Now, depending on your type of relationship agreement, that can be anything from just creating mutual pleasure together (like sex, or hanging out) to combining your finances and taking on the world financially together to improve your mutual lot, to deciding to take on “having kids” and raising them to the standards that you both agree on.

Now the thing is as you start working together as a team and start “winning” you can’t forget that the process or working together as a team is more important than the things you obtain as a team. Teamwork is like “glue” that holds you together.

Sometimes when a couple achieves some of the goals that are the objects of their teamwork, they forget to replace those goals with new ones. Sooner or later if you don’t replace old goals with new ones you run out of things to work together on.

So often a couple gets engaged, gets married, has children, gets a nice house, gets a nice car and then stops setting goals and their teamwork disappears.

Sometimes it doesn’t even go that far. Sometimes they both have a simple goal like moving in together. They do that and then stop creating team projects. Like the things that you did to attract him, working together to achieve goals and solve problems is the expanded foundation of a relationship. As long as you keep doing it and set new goals to accomplish you will continue to create a healthy satisfying relationship.

Goals don’t always have to be mutual goals. Sometimes a couple helps each other on personal goals. They work together as a team to get him to lose 10 pounds. They work together as a team to get her a better job.

Doing that CREATES the relationship in a healthy manner. Telling your girl, “You’d better lose 10 pounds or I am out of here,” doesn’t. Telling your guy he’d better get a better job or you are gone doesn’t create a relationship either. These kinds of attitudes make you “enemies” or “opponents” again.

Mutual goals are common “opponents” and make you teammates fighting against your obstacles to achieve your goals.

I can go on and on and on, on this topic, but I think you get the point. CONTINUALLY setting goals and working on those goals as a team helps to CREATE a relationship. STOP doing this and the relationship will start falling apart.

4) Now to continually monitor these goals you set as a team, this means communication. You have to talk to your partner and continually monitor where they are at with respect to your mutual and their and your personal goals. People change and grow. You can’t assume the guy you married 3 years ago is the same guy today. You can’t assume the things that he considered important and wanted to work on with you 3 years ago, 1 year ago, even 6 months ago are still the goals he has today.

Communicate! Talk! Listen! You have to continually find out where you are at. If you keep communication in, then you won’t have any surprise. If you assume he is the same (when he isn’t) then you will be surprised one day when you exclaim, “I don’t know who you are anymore,” as he walks out the door or cheats on you.

Now talking to guys is not the same as talking to your girlfriends. The communication is different. So get my book “Dating To Relating For Women” and learn how to really talk to guys and establish communication.

5) Finally, you have to get your guy to do all of these things too. One person creating a relationship is better than none, but two people creating a relationship is a cinch for success.

The best time to talk about all this is early on in your relationship so you are both on the same page with create from the early days. But anytime is better than no time. It is never too late. Even if you aren’t “newlyweds”, talk now!

If you do all the above things, you and your partner just may have a chance to create a continually growing, healthy relationship.

Relationships!

Relationships – Your Love Interest As Your Teammate (c) 2010 Dating To Relating, Inc.

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